School and Work

Jesus, writing for school has sapped all of my energy to write here. A lot has happened in the past month:

The Bad
A lost chance at love
Plummetting T-Cell Counts
Resigning my most recent position at work

The Good
New position at work -- less stress same pay
New love prospects
Trip to San Francisco for Living Sober
More underwear shopping

Well, I am off to write my paper "Whiskey and the Son"

Doug

Damn Laptop

Keepin in short - my laptop keeps locking up while posting pictures!!!! I wanted to share our winter wonderland with everyone.

In other news, I am getting very excited about my trip to Dallas...

Doug

Impulse Buy

So, Dougie likes to plan trips WAY in advance... The last trip I took to SF was planned 3 months ahead of time: Hotel, Airplane, Restaurants, Tricks and Dates. Well, times they are a changin and I just bought a ticket to Dallas for the second weekend in April. To some, this is adavance notice, but for a project manager like me it is SOOOO last minute. Last night, I was chattin with a fella in Dallas - he said "hey, come on out", we checked expedia and found a good price. I am very excited because I will get to meet this guy and go to six flags over Texas.

In Idol news, WHAT THE FUCK














How could this BORING, no talent twit make it to the final 12 past Gedeon? I should have expected this - I bet the votes were cast in Ohio...

Doug

Facing My Fears

Oh god, telling my ex that I am HIV positive is one of the worst things I have had to do in my life. I have spent the past few days agonizing over how he was going to react.

A few years ago I ended an unhealthy 6 year relationship. At the time, I had taken all of the responsibility for it ending - I had cheated, lied, not been a very good boyfriend. Soon after, my ex got tested for HIV. The 5 days he waited for results were hell for the both of us. The entire time, I kept raving at me that he was going to be positive and it was all my fault. I heard this so much, I began to think it was true.

The day came for him to get his results--negative. He and I were completely overcome with relief. I wonder if this situation was to forshadow what has happened in the past week. Recently, my ex and I have had a couple of unprotected encounters 1 month and 6 months ago. In this last encounter, I did not finish inside of him... Since I tested positive, I knew I had to tell him.

This weekend I made several valid attempts to call him to no avail. Finally, I reached him yesterday and told him.

Me: Hey there

Him: What's wrong

Me: I tested positive almost 2 weeks ago

Him: Fuck You
Pause 2 seconds
Him: I'm so sorry - I was thinking only of myself

Me: I'm really sorry, I didn't know

Him: It's ok

The rest of the conversation went 1000% better than I had imagined. The end result is he is getting tested today and has never been more scared. This morning we spoke, and he apologized for not being more concerned about my health. I reassured him it is ok -- let's find out his initial status and go from there. Fortunately (or unfortunately) he and his boyfriend have not had sex since June, so the likelihood my ex infected his boyfriend is next to none.

Time to get on with my day and try to avoid all entertainment news. There is a downside to TiVo -- I have not watched the Project Runway finale, but the news on who won is all over the web. Wish me luck in avoiding it!


Doug

Long Distance - It ain't just for AT&T Anymore

What to do...

I missed out on the initial deployment of online dating--bulletin boards. By the time I started, IRC was the chat client to use. I remember chatting with guys all of the country about anything--not just sex. My first experiences did turn out rather negatively. At the time, I was involved in an abusive relationship and had no friends. I went online searching for people to talk to and found guys in the Atlanta room.

In Atlanta, the guys were nice and sweet - several of them chatted me up and we began sharing. I shared that I was involved with a man who was abusive and I was thinking about leaving him. One night, I came home and had a wine bottle hurled at my head by my loving boyfriend. He had found out I was chatting and located the guys with whom I had spoken. They told him everything I had said--my fears, doubts and thoughts of leaving him. I couldn't believe someone would do that...

Anyway, I left him eventually and life moved on. Skip forward 10 years and here I am, chatting online again (gay.com tucgoodguy). This time has been different although confusing. Recently, because of my diagnosis, I have been hanging out in the Positive Room. While in there, I have met a couple of guys that are extremely sweet and interesting to chat with. The problem is none of them are in Tucson. Of the three, there are two that are at the front of the pack -- both of them mature funny guys who are hella cute.

Well, gotta go check expedia.com -- see which one is easier to get too...

Any suggestions?

Doug

Gratitude

Part of being in recovery is working with a sponsor. The other day when I told her I was HIV Positive she suggested I write a gratitude list. To people outside of recovery, this may sound like total bullshit--I mean my life was changing and horrible shit going on--what do I have to be grateful for? The process helps remind me of the good things in my life of which there are many.

Below are some of the things I am grateful for:

Living in a time where HIV is not an immediate death sentence
My Cat Hates You!
My job -- hella hard but I love it
Mandisa!
The 22nd Amendment
Handsome Dallas Cubs (you know who you are mister)
Living close enough to Canada to immigrate easily
My Friends
Chicken in a Biscuit
T-Shirt Hell.com (www.tshirthell.com)

That was all I want to put on today. Stay tuned-American Idol recap - Douggie Style coming this weekend.

Put on a Happy Face!

YUMMY!!!! Some queer must be in the casting office for Amazing Race--these two are hotties. Whether or not they are gay is the question - I am sick of str8 boys having better eyebrows than gay men!!!

So, on to the topic...

Since finding out my status, I have not been the most up-beat and chipper person in the office. Normally, when people ask "How's it going" my responsive is very positive and upbeat. Obviously, these days it is not quite as upbeat and co-workers are noticing. It is so incredibly difficult to walk around here, knowing what I know, and keep on a happy face. If I don't keep the happy face, they want to know what is going on... I am not at the point, nor do I think I would ever, disclose my status at work. It is not relevant and I do not want to be discriminated against -- yeah, sure I am protected by law, but I know what really happens.

If we want to get rid of an employee and protect ourselves against lawsuit, we just create an atmosphere that success at their job would not be possible. Just takes a little bit of creativity - which our HR director has. The position I am in could easily be phased out or upgraded to a level of education/experience which I do not currently have...

Well, that is all for today -- hella busy here at work.

Ciao,
Doug