love actually

This Christmas I am reminded of how to love (please place vomit receptacles in convenient location). For several years, I have been rejecting the fact I am truly in love with someone in my life. Watching ‘Love Actually’ today reminded me of this and opened my eyes. It is strange how you can be in love and not realize it. I sit here tearing up thinking about this man and what he has been for me. A man that I wake up and think how lucky I am to have him in my life. He has seen me at my very lows and the beginnings of my (natural) highs. Each day that I spend with Sam (name has been changed) hightens my awareness of the intimacy I feel with him and the joy he brings.

In realizing this affection, I have to look at my past and how I have dealt with love. Rarely, have I ever felt true love – my first was Dale. Dale and I began our friendship at 15 in a gay youth group in Olympia, WA. For the longest time, we only saw each other at meetings – I remember sitting across from him and peering into his puppy dog brown eyes. Dale would walk into the room and my heart would stop for just that briefest of moments while I pictured our future life together. Unfortunately, at that time he had a boyfriend. My last summer at home, Dale broke up with Dean and we started hanging out more. I can still picture our first “date” together in Seattle. We went to Broadway Grill for Dinner and then off to the symphony. Afterwards, we went to Volunteer Park (at night) to look at the stars and downtown Seattle. Sitting there with Dale will always be burned into my mind because of the pure love I felt for him and how it felt holding his hand. A few weeks later was my last night in Washington – Dale took me out to dinner. It was pleasant and he drove me home. While we sat in my parent’s driveway, Dale looked at me and told me he had always loved me – at which time we both started balling and began kissing. Since that night, I have never seen Dale – we talked for a while on the phone after I moved to Phoenix, but have no more contact.

It is hard to deal with these feelings right now – I think we are both scared of ruining what we have if we say we are “dating” or “boyfriends”. At this time, we don’t have any relationship bullshit happening – we just enjoy each others company. He did say something today though and I don’t know what to make of it – we had recently finished “baking cookies” and were in bed together – he said that he was thinking about what it would be like to start a relationship but was scared of the consequences (breaking up and losing what we had). I told him I felt the same, and I do; however, I feel something more. I just wanna say fuck it and let it progress – we have both told each other we love one another. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.

Well, time for me to go to bed.
Doug