MelloBoy's House of Change

School and Work

2006-04-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

Jesus, writing for school has sapped all of my energy to write here. A lot has happened in the past month:

The Bad
A lost chance at love
Plummetting T-Cell Counts
Resigning my most recent position at work

The Good
New position at work -- less stress same pay
New love prospects
Trip to San Francisco for Living Sober
More underwear shopping

Well, I am off to write my paper "Whiskey and the Son"

Doug

Damn Laptop

2006-03-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

Keepin in short - my laptop keeps locking up while posting pictures!!!! I wanted to share our winter wonderland with everyone.

In other news, I am getting very excited about my trip to Dallas...

Doug

Impulse Buy

2006-03-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

So, Dougie likes to plan trips WAY in advance... The last trip I took to SF was planned 3 months ahead of time: Hotel, Airplane, Restaurants, Tricks and Dates. Well, times they are a changin and I just bought a ticket to Dallas for the second weekend in April. To some, this is adavance notice, but for a project manager like me it is SOOOO last minute. Last night, I was chattin with a fella in Dallas - he said "hey, come on out", we checked expedia and found a good price. I am very excited because I will get to meet this guy and go to six flags over Texas.

In Idol news, WHAT THE FUCK

How could this BORING, no talent twit make it to the final 12 past Gedeon? I should have expected this - I bet the votes were cast in Ohio...

Doug

Facing My Fears

2006-03-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

Oh god, telling my ex that I am HIV positive is one of the worst things I have had to do in my life. I have spent the past few days agonizing over how he was going to react.

A few years ago I ended an unhealthy 6 year relationship. At the time, I had taken all of the responsibility for it ending - I had cheated, lied, not been a very good boyfriend. Soon after, my ex got tested for HIV. The 5 days he waited for results were hell for the both of us. The entire time, I kept raving at me that he was going to be positive and it was all my fault. I heard this so much, I began to think it was true.

The day came for him to get his results--negative. He and I were completely overcome with relief. I wonder if this situation was to forshadow what has happened in the past week. Recently, my ex and I have had a couple of unprotected encounters 1 month and 6 months ago. In this last encounter, I did not finish inside of him... Since I tested positive, I knew I had to tell him.

This weekend I made several valid attempts to call him to no avail. Finally, I reached him yesterday and told him.

Me: Hey there

Him: What's wrong

Me: I tested positive almost 2 weeks ago

Him: Fuck You
Pause 2 seconds
Him: I'm so sorry - I was thinking only of myself

Me: I'm really sorry, I didn't know

Him: It's ok

The rest of the conversation went 1000% better than I had imagined. The end result is he is getting tested today and has never been more scared. This morning we spoke, and he apologized for not being more concerned about my health. I reassured him it is ok -- let's find out his initial status and go from there. Fortunately (or unfortunately) he and his boyfriend have not had sex since June, so the likelihood my ex infected his boyfriend is next to none.

Time to get on with my day and try to avoid all entertainment news. There is a downside to TiVo -- I have not watched the Project Runway finale, but the news on who won is all over the web. Wish me luck in avoiding it!

Doug

Long Distance - It ain't just for AT&T Anymore

2006-03-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

What to do...

I missed out on the initial deployment of online dating--bulletin boards. By the time I started, IRC was the chat client to use. I remember chatting with guys all of the country about anything--not just sex. My first experiences did turn out rather negatively. At the time, I was involved in an abusive relationship and had no friends. I went online searching for people to talk to and found guys in the Atlanta room.

In Atlanta, the guys were nice and sweet - several of them chatted me up and we began sharing. I shared that I was involved with a man who was abusive and I was thinking about leaving him. One night, I came home and had a wine bottle hurled at my head by my loving boyfriend. He had found out I was chatting and located the guys with whom I had spoken. They told him everything I had said--my fears, doubts and thoughts of leaving him. I couldn't believe someone would do that...

Anyway, I left him eventually and life moved on. Skip forward 10 years and here I am, chatting online again (gay.com tucgoodguy). This time has been different although confusing. Recently, because of my diagnosis, I have been hanging out in the Positive Room. While in there, I have met a couple of guys that are extremely sweet and interesting to chat with. The problem is none of them are in Tucson. Of the three, there are two that are at the front of the pack -- both of them mature funny guys who are hella cute.

Well, gotta go check expedia.com -- see which one is easier to get too...

Any suggestions?

Doug

Gratitude

2006-03-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

Part of being in recovery is working with a sponsor. The other day when I told her I was HIV Positive she suggested I write a gratitude list. To people outside of recovery, this may sound like total bullshit--I mean my life was changing and horrible shit going on--what do I have to be grateful for? The process helps remind me of the good things in my life of which there are many.

Below are some of the things I am grateful for:

Living in a time where HIV is not an immediate death sentence
My Cat Hates You!
My job -- hella hard but I love it
Mandisa!
The 22nd Amendment
Handsome Dallas Cubs (you know who you are mister)
Living close enough to Canada to immigrate easily
My Friends
Chicken in a Biscuit
T-Shirt Hell.com (www.tshirthell.com)

That was all I want to put on today. Stay tuned-American Idol recap - Douggie Style coming this weekend.

Put on a Happy Face!

2006-03-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

YUMMY!!!! Some queer must be in the casting office for Amazing Race--these two are hotties. Whether or not they are gay is the question - I am sick of str8 boys having better eyebrows than gay men!!!

So, on to the topic...

Since finding out my status, I have not been the most up-beat and chipper person in the office. Normally, when people ask "How's it going" my responsive is very positive and upbeat. Obviously, these days it is not quite as upbeat and co-workers are noticing. It is so incredibly difficult to walk around here, knowing what I know, and keep on a happy face. If I don't keep the happy face, they want to know what is going on... I am not at the point, nor do I think I would ever, disclose my status at work. It is not relevant and I do not want to be discriminated against -- yeah, sure I am protected by law, but I know what really happens.

If we want to get rid of an employee and protect ourselves against lawsuit, we just create an atmosphere that success at their job would not be possible. Just takes a little bit of creativity - which our HR director has. The position I am in could easily be phased out or upgraded to a level of education/experience which I do not currently have...

Well, that is all for today -- hella busy here at work.

Ciao,
Doug

Gettin Through

2006-02-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight was Amazing Race Night with Abe, David and Homer. I can't tell you how much these guys mean to me. Homer was really supportive of me -- he is the only close friend that knows my status. It was just nice to take a mini-break from dealing with HIV and just be with friends.

Dave and Abe

I tried take a pic of Homer and Me, but didn't turn out very well -- Homie has great teeth though...

Well, with the HIV thing, I have started chatting with other poz guys, mainly from out of state. It is nice to get encouragement from them and realize I am not alone. There is one in particular from Texas that has lifted my spirits and actually made my heart go pitter pat -- who knows what can happen.

It is time for bed now,

Doug

The News

2006-02-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple of years I have had a recurring thought in the back of my mind...Am I positive? For my drinking and using years (plus time after) I engaged in risky sex - fucking/getting fucked without rubbers, multiple partners, the whole nine yards. I have written on here that I am in recovery--one of the leading factors to me not getting tested was the fear of drinking. When I first started the "program", I told myself if I ever found out I was positive -- fuck it all I am gonna stay drunk and use to my heart's content.

This fear kept me from being tested. Along with the fear of drinking, I had more questions:

What if I were actually positive?
What would I do?
Would my friends look down on me?
Would I ever date again?
Would I die?
Who do I tell?
Have I infected anyone?

Well, I have the answer to the first question - I am positive. Wow, seeing that in writing coupled with my name/identity is incredibly surreal. I found out on Friday afternoon that my life had changed. Have I cried---not really. Sick as it is, it is what I had expected. Sitting here, at work, my fingers trembling, I come out as a positive gay man. Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of a positive acquaintance of mine whom I trust completely--he spent a lot of time speaking with me this weekend and helping me through it.

God, what am I going to do--how do I tell certain people they need to get tested. Fuck this is an incredibly difficult time, tears streaming down my face thinking about the choices I made and how they affect my life now. I have read all about new treatments, long term survivors, etc. -- it is still difficult to deal with the stigma associated. I fear the mocking, the "Oh look, what a surprise, that whore got HIV" Throughout my sobriety, I have learned to not put too much effort into other peoples' thoughts, but it still hurts.

Well I have a plan of action right now -- mainly pull myself together with the help of counselors, my sponsor, some new poz friends I met online and try to go on with my life. As for telling others close to me, now is not the time. I know they could read it here, but I think Homer is the only one that actually reads my sporadic blog writings.

As for blogging, I feel I need to do more of it through this period at least. It provides me with a baseline--a starting point for this issue.

Love to all,
Doug

Fun with Pictures

2005-12-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

Play: "Crazy World" from Victor/Victoria....

I had this grand plan of selling a PDA on eBay and purchasing a digital camera. All was set - I posted the ad and started getting bids - Yeah for me!!! As usual, whenever I have extra money coming in, a situation occurred that gave me pause to buying the camera - I had a flat tire.

I went to Discount Tire this morning to get the tire changed. Going into any auto part/repair shop provides me with enough acid in my stomach to burn through a vault. It may be lingering feelings of inadequacies because I am gay and not a whole man (total bullshit, but hey its mine). Anyway, there were about 12 guys running around (none cute) who all kept saying someone would be right with me. For the life of me, I can't figure out what half of them were actually doing. Finally, one of them came over to help me and explained my new tire would be $160.00 (Merry X-Mas to me!!!). I hemmed and hawed, but gave him my debit card and whoosh I had a brand new Michelin Tire. I guess I should have asked for a michelin man bobble head.

Arriving at home, I was depressed because I really wanted a camera....I looked over and saw my x-box (i.e. dust collector) and decided sayanara Crash Bandicoot - I need to take pictures. I packed up my x-box and various movies: Haiku Tunnel, Overboard, and Indiana Jones box set along with a set of David Sedaris on Tape and headed to Bookman's. I thought their offer was small, but took the $81.75 plus the remainder from my auction and headed to BestBuy.

While I would like a professional quality digital camera, I can do with something in the intermediate range. Finding the digital camera section, I was quickly confused by all of the different types of memory, batteries, digital/optical zoom. The only thing I knew was Megapixels.... The section was packed full of people all asking questions and standing in front of 5 different cameras so that no one else could look at them!!!! Finally, I grabbed cute Mike and said "I want that one!!" That one ended up being a kodak 5.2 megapixel - perfect for me. Thankfully, it was not too busy and it only took 5 minutes to check out.

Now, here it is at last -- a picture of this blogs author - aren't I adorable....

Well, on this note I am out of here...

Doug

I'm Back

2005-12-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

So it has been almost a year since my last post and what a year it has been. I have been pondering whether or not I wanted to restart this blog. I cannot be quiet anymore - this insane moron that is "leading" our country is on TV right now (interrupting The Simpsons) talking about how we are making progress in Iraq.

This bumbling idiot continues to drone on about the terrorists and 9/11.... Does anyone still believe this bullshit connection? I love how they talk about how cowardly it is to create and use suicide bombers and roadside bombs... We invaded their county for no reason other than oil and they are fighting back in anyway they can. I tell you, if the Mexican Army occupied Tucson, we would do anything we could to take it back -- is that cowardice? Am I un-American for thinking these thoughts? I don't think so - I support our military. My brother recently returned from Iraq and will be getting out thank god!

Maybe it is the cold that I have right now, but my emotions are just extremely high at the moment. I am shaking with fury at the audacity of our "President" to say we need to stay in Iraq because we cannot have a defeat. He expects that since we are at war, everyone needs to support this bullshit. I can't even completely fault him and the Republicans - where the FUCK have the Democrats been? Our government has checks and balances for a reason - USE THEM!!

When Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate, I had high hopes... She has now turned into the biggest hawk. I tell you, I am so frustrated I don't know if I would vote for her were she to run in 08... Why is it, too, that the Dems attack their own for actually standing up for the people (see Murtha and Dean)?

Hopefully, this mid-term election we will see new faces in government...

In other news, still sober and enjoying life for the most part. Work has become hella stressful, but I am getting through it.

Wishing everyone a happy holiday,
Doug

love actually

2004-12-27T01:33:00.000-08:00

This Christmas I am reminded of how to love (please place vomit receptacles in convenient location). For several years, I have been rejecting the fact I am truly in love with someone in my life. Watching ‘Love Actually’ today reminded me of this and opened my eyes. It is strange how you can be in love and not realize it. I sit here tearing up thinking about this man and what he has been for me. A man that I wake up and think how lucky I am to have him in my life. He has seen me at my very lows and the beginnings of my (natural) highs. Each day that I spend with Sam (name has been changed) hightens my awareness of the intimacy I feel with him and the joy he brings.

In realizing this affection, I have to look at my past and how I have dealt with love. Rarely, have I ever felt true love – my first was Dale. Dale and I began our friendship at 15 in a gay youth group in Olympia, WA. For the longest time, we only saw each other at meetings – I remember sitting across from him and peering into his puppy dog brown eyes. Dale would walk into the room and my heart would stop for just that briefest of moments while I pictured our future life together. Unfortunately, at that time he had a boyfriend. My last summer at home, Dale broke up with Dean and we started hanging out more. I can still picture our first “date” together in Seattle. We went to Broadway Grill for Dinner and then off to the symphony. Afterwards, we went to Volunteer Park (at night) to look at the stars and downtown Seattle. Sitting there with Dale will always be burned into my mind because of the pure love I felt for him and how it felt holding his hand. A few weeks later was my last night in Washington – Dale took me out to dinner. It was pleasant and he drove me home. While we sat in my parent’s driveway, Dale looked at me and told me he had always loved me – at which time we both started balling and began kissing. Since that night, I have never seen Dale – we talked for a while on the phone after I moved to Phoenix, but have no more contact.

It is hard to deal with these feelings right now – I think we are both scared of ruining what we have if we say we are “dating” or “boyfriends”. At this time, we don’t have any relationship bullshit happening – we just enjoy each others company. He did say something today though and I don’t know what to make of it – we had recently finished “baking cookies” and were in bed together – he said that he was thinking about what it would be like to start a relationship but was scared of the consequences (breaking up and losing what we had). I told him I felt the same, and I do; however, I feel something more. I just wanna say fuck it and let it progress – we have both told each other we love one another. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.

Well, time for me to go to bed.
Doug

Phone Sex

2004-12-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have begun to just despise having sex – about half way through I start thinking about what I am going to have for dinner, to whom I need to send Christmas Cards, and trying to figure out what Joan Rivers will wear on the red carpet this year. I wonder if it is just cuz I am a selfish son of a bitch and as soon as I cum I want the guy gone. Casual sex holds no more thrill for me – this is where I reach my dilemma.

I am still a young sexually active man who desires sex, but doesn’t wanna just do it with every guy that comes along. Also, I can’t lock it up until Mister Right appears and we get married. My solution to this problem has been phone sex – still getting off with another guy but the fucker isn’t in my house and I just hang up when I am done (thank god for hands-free headsets). I find I get exactly what I need and I can still hold on to my “virtue” for the guy who is for me!!!

I guess that is all for today – if anyone is interested my number is 1-800-FCK-STUD!!!!

Ciao,
Doug

Irrational Fear

2004-12-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, here it is again - that fear that makes me completely sick to my stomache. I don't know why I never feel like I deserve anything good in life. Yesterday, I received a past due notice from Bank One on my old car loan -- I saw that there was a REPO fee on12-2-04 added to my account. The freaking out started then -- what the fuck were they doing trying to repo my car at 10 days past due!!! Of course, no one was available that could answer my questions at 5PM. This is where all of the worst things popped into my head - they were going to go to the dealership where I bought my new car and repo it - or, they would call aufmuth to let them know what a bad person I am and not to have the new car financed.

I have to know this is irrational -- hell, I use to repo cars for a living. If it was at the dealership and in the process of being financed I didn't want the thing. I have to believe that is the same for Bank One. This just further exemplifies that ol' fear of good things. I am trying to work it through, but it is difficult sometimes - no one told me this was gonna be a lot of work.

Well, today is short and sweet cuz I need to get ready for work now.

Doug

Romantic Doug

2004-12-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

What a weekend!!! I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Brian and Adam from Phoenix at Homer’s party (they were both very adorable) I know that Homie has already written about the party, so I am gonna go to the after-party. I had a date with David L. from gay.com. I had seen him at the Rainbow Planet Coffee Shop on Saturday evening and did some of my pathetic flirting with him. Our eyes met and he had smiled back – I kept wondering if I would ever see the boy again…

Sunday morning I decided to log on to gay.com and chat for a bit. The boy I was flirting with was on there so I said hi. He realized that I was the guy HE was flirting with that night as well and we started to chat. Luckily, for me, he is quite forward and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee later in the day – I said yes and went to pick out a nice casual outfit (see Homer’s post from yesterday---unfortunately I look a tad faggy with my hand on my hip – Thanks Homer!!!!). As 5:30 approached, I said my goodbye’s and went to the coffee shop to meet David. Hmmm, what can I say about him – I just get warm fuzzies (deal with the schmaltz, this is Romantic Doug now) when I am around him. When I walked in he was reading the Tucson Weekly looking at want-ads; being the bitch I can be I informed him it is probably not a good idea to be reading the personal ads on a first date. He gave me a playful little slap and a grin that made my heart just melt.

I ordered my Maya Chai Latte and we began to speak. Without revealing too much of his own personal history, let’s just say we have some things in common. We sat in the Epic café just talking and holding hands for about 1.5 hours. The time just flew by and the whole time I wasn’t scoping out the other guys that were in the shop (this is how I know I am interested). We decided to go see Napolean Dynamite at the welfare theater ($3.00 per movie). When I started my car (which I still love), the Bjork CD I had in the player started; he got all ecstatic and let me know he is a huge Bjork fan – as am I. We talked about the fabulousness that is Bjork for the whole ride over to the theater.

I purchased our tickets and we ended up playing a game of Ms. Pac Man to kill some time – I got further in the game, but he got more points (8720 to 8450). We got to our seats, shared some popcorn and a diet soda and settled in – he grabbed my hand and held it the whole time. The movie was pretty good, it seemed to drag a little at the beginning, but the end was great. After the movie I drove him home. When we got to his place, we kissed for about a minute in the car and said our goodnights.

I don’t know if this will go anywhere, but he said he was VERY interested. I broke the cardinal rule of calling a date less than 48 hours after, but fuck it – if he likes me I will get a return call and we can schedule a date soon…

Well, gotta run
Doug

Evil Doug

2004-12-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

Man I am in a hateful bitter mood!!! There is this guy I have known about 11 years, lets call him Harry. I use to be friends with Harry and he became part of my circle of friends. I know that I had a crush on him and I also was very envious of his looks, the fact he was in college, and everyone seemed to want to be with him. Eventually, we stopped being friends and I felt he was a total cunt. Snubbing me at every chance he had and totally being a bitch.

I ended up moving on and had forgotten about him -- well, he works with me now and has for the last 8 months. The whole time I have been thinking of ways I could justify his firing or reducing his work hours and fucking with his livelyhood. This is the root of Evil Doug. I am petty, self-rightous, a total bitch and do anything to get my way. I have such a deep rooted hatred for Harry I don't know where to start. To top it off, he was at an AA meeting recently -- this was the last straw I thought. Not only do I have to see the fucker at work, but now he will be at meetings.

I have huge fears over him being at meetings. I have only been sober for 5 months, and he knows where I work is a drug-free environment. I feel like I can't be honest now in meetings with him there - I don't trust the bitch as far as I can throw him. All of those things I was thinking about doing to him at work, he could do to me. It is totally fucked up and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. These fears may be unfounded, but I don't know for sure - I have never trusted him and find it hard to believe I ever could. To make myself even look more pathetic, another reason why I resent him being at the meeting last night was I was no longer the young pretty newcomer. It sucks growing up the oldest child, the special one, the one who got everything etc. When people were paying more attention to him, I got extremely jealous and bitchy. This is Evil Doug as well.

Well, I need to get out of this mood and move on - I am so excited for Homer's party today I can barely contain myself. Last year I was nursing a crack hangover and did not go, this year I will be there with bells on... I think that is all for me today

Doug

The little girl is growing up

2004-12-03T04:19:00.000-08:00

I feel like such an adult now - I just bought my first "new" car. Over the past week I created a shrine to the car gods (bottle of 10w oil, section of radiator hose, air filter, fuzzy dice and a picture of Henry Ford) to pray for my car that has been acting up. In the mornings, when I would go to work, the transmission would either stick or be very slow to respond. Since my last 2 cars have had transmission problems (the last car, a Mercury Mistake is still sitting in my front driveway unable to move) I knew this was going to be expensive.

Being the queen that I am, I decided THAT'S IT!!! I need a new car. I went online and applied at a dealership here in Tucson which called me right back. We discussed my "situation" (I have not had good credit experiences in the past) and they said I could have a car. I left work early and went to the dealership while warming up my car. I figured, when the car is warm the transmision problems are not as apparent so I can get a better trade in to pay my loan off. Anyway I get to the warehouse of a dealership and deal with Mike (YUMMY!!!!!!!). He gets an application from me and disappears upstairs.

When Mike came back he said they have a couple of cars that would suit my needs and be in my price (i.e. credit cappabilities) range. We started walking towards a Hyundai Accent - I figured this would be all I could afford and I would be stuck driving a roller skate; however, he stopped at a 2004 Chrysler Sebring. My jaw dropped and I couldn't believe this would be a car I could afford. He said of course and we went for a test drive - the car only had 630 miles on it. It drove like a dream and I fell in love.

We got back to the dealership and I did test drive 2 other cars, but the Sebring was the one for me. Mike went upstairs again and came back with the offer, which was negotiated down by me. I know that I still ended up paying a little more than what I had planned, but now I have a new car with a full warranty covering it for more than the life of the loan. The other thing this has done is given me pieve of mind -- the car shrine has come down and the Homer Shrine is back in all its glory.

On to other things -- I am counting the hours until Homer's craft party - last year I could not attend because I was recovering from a tweekend. Hopefully there will be some cute available guys - at least for a Christmas fling. I know that you read this Homer and I just wanted to let you know that I love you dearly and you have no idea how much your friendship has mattered to me over the last 5 months. As I am typing this, I am getting all choked up thinking about the wonderful people in my life that have stood by me and really been there. It has been tremendously difficult and I have had to call on my friends in times of need - which by just answering their phone or hanging out with me for the Amazing Race has helped me get through the "crazies"
Well, that is enough for today.
Doug

DRAMATIC Voices

2004-12-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

So, there is this guy that I have been chatting with online and we finally spoke on the loan last night. He has a very cute voice and was great conversation. The only sticking point is he has classified the way I speak as DRAMATIC!!! Maybe it is just how I have started responding to idiots -- I let my words drip with disdain and contempt. God, maybe the boys at the bar are right - I am a bitch sometimes. I never consciously pay attention to this, maybe Homer can fill me in on how I sound.

In other news, my fucking car is acting up -- I may have to go get another one today. I HATE HATE HATE cars. I never have any luck with them and it is one of the things that makes me feel useless. Shit, I am a smart guy - I should be able to figure it all out, but I just can't. If I could get away with not having a car I would, they are just too much of a headache. I woke up this morning with a panic attack and stayed in bed longer than I should have just to avoid driving. I am sitting at work with no money (left my wallet at home) and will not eat lunch today because I don't want have to drive my car anywhere...

Well, its not worth getting drunk over -- I just be whinny and think poor me for awhile.

Today, I read Donut Jelly's blog and he took a quiz, decided I would as well...

You scored as Upper middle Class. Your determination have soared you this high, yet not high enough to enjoy the luxuries of the upper class. Your most valued posession is your country club membership which is kept framed in the office.

Upper middle Class

96%

Middle Class

83%

Lower Class

67%

Luxurious Upper Class

42%

alternative

33%

What Social Status are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Doug

Del Taco or Crack

2004-11-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

So kids, the nightly decision I have to make if I go to the bar is whether or not to stop at Del Taco or call the dealer and start partying. The lure of both is tremendous, I get an immediate gratification that I spend the night trying to recreate; however it is never as good as the first bite/hit. I feel remorse after ingesting both. It makes me feel like crap the next day (in the case of Del Taco it is literal – my ass was on the toilet at 4:30am Sunday crying and crapping).

I guess, with Del Taco, I don’t have to change my sobriety date and I can actually look myself in the eyes the next morning (not at the waistline though). Also, with Del Taco, I get to flirt with the cute Mexican boy who works on Saturday nights – my dealer I used is missing about 6 teeth and smells bad. Del Taco also only lasts ½ an hour and does not keep me up all night (except in pooping cases where I wake up in the middle of the night). I have to say, Del Taco – like my friends and AA – has kept me clean and sober. Maybe I should write a thank you letter – who knows, I could get a free Chicken Works Burrito – no guacamole.

In other news – still single, still looking, but not settling. I have a prospect or 2 from online, but I think anyone who has done the online thing knows it may not pan out. I am keeping my fingers crossed and if all else fails I will move to DC to hunt down Archerr.

Ciao,
Doug

Innocence Lost

2004-11-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

They say pictures don't lie - most of the guys that I have met or chatted with said they thought I looked very innocent. This made me wonder, am I really innocent??? As I look at my life, it would not appear that is the case, however it could be...

Growing up I always wanted to be part of the group - I thought everyone else must have gotten a manual on how to be cool and mine was lost in the mail. Since I did not get the manual, I tried various things to try and fit in - which never seemed to work. My ego always got in the way - I could not just do the things other people were doing, I had to be better so I could look down on them. Case in point, I thought it was cool to be in band (don't laugh - I got laid more than any of my friends that were not in band). I could not just be in the band, I had to write some of our music, and eventually quit marching and begin teaching my high school band. I figured if I could not feel a part of the group, it was better to be better than lesser (does that even make sense).

As I got older, it turned into I needed to fuck more guys and do more drugs than anyone else cuz I thought that would make me fabulous!! I was fabulous in my own world, but that life just didn't seem to fit. It is hard to explain why I did the things I did when I need the complete opposite. I would much rather spend an evening at home with friends and a bf - playing games or watching the Amazing Race.

I have had the opportunity to chat with someone the last few days who really brings my innocent side out - the loving caring Doug that I want to be. It is hard to explain, I don't know if anything will happen with this guy, but it helped me realize what I want and don't want. I have been housesitting all weekend - away from my roommate. In the past this would have been a weekend of endless sex, but not this time. I am coming to terms with the fact that sex, while fun, is only part of what I want from a man. I want commitment, love, cuddling, and of course - passionate sex. I have also learned, I will wait for what I want and not settle!!!

Well, I should get back to ironing.

Ciao,
Doug

Thanksgiving List

2004-11-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

I thought, since it is a holiday, to write a list of things I am grateful for:

My friends
Adorable red heads from out of state
Nintendo (the first one!!!!)
No "auto-send" on email
Kittens
ATMs
Celebrity Poker Showdown
Cashmere
AA
John Saul and Tom Clancy Novels (BRAIN CANDY)
Mornings
Katie Couric
The internet
Current job

I think that is enough for tonight
Doug

Things that make me laugh

2004-11-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

Enough of feeling sorry for myself. Last night I met with my AA sponsor and discussed some of why I do the things I do and why I do them. One in particular was very interesting to me - I have been having a fantasy about using just one last time. I feel that the last time I used sucked and I want to go out on a high note. Well, when I play that through I remember what a miserable drunk I can become and quickly rethink my attitude.

Well, here goes - Things that make me laugh

A good raunchy joke
‘The Daily Show’
Religious morons
A Cooter Festival
‘Strangers with Candy’
My friend Rene’s hefty garbage bag jacket
Mosquitoes on mopeds
Monkeys
‘Finding Nemo’
Homer with Ankles
Fuckthesouth.com
Playing Grundel Matt
The Smurfs
Kittens with yarn
The fact that I am happy and sober every day

Ciao,

Doug

Making a list and checking it twice

2004-11-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through yet another weekend without using - yeah for me!! I have decided, based on reading other blogs, I should create some lists this week. There are oh so many things I could write about, but lets start with

Things that make me cry

Republicans
Folger’s Coffee commercial where the college boy comes back home for Christmas, makes a pot of coffee and wakes everybody up
‘She’s Come Undone’ by Wally Lamb
Friends who beat themselves up emotionally
being lonely
seeing injured animals
‘The Secret of NIMH’
Wasted time
Not speaking to my mother for the last 3 years
Things I have done to people
Relationships that have been lost
Cotton commercials
Having blood drawn
Being discriminated against because of who I am
Wimpy ass democrats

Fucking addict

2004-11-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is wrong with me -- life is going pretty well and I still fantasize about getting really fucked up and doing stupid shit. My actions are showing that I just don't give a fuck anymore and don't want to live -- I don't know why though. It is really weird -- I have this double life now; actual and fantasy life. I am afraid if I keep these fantasies going, I will let them become real.

I hate the fact that I do not feel great all the time - I should be happy and feel wonderful every hour of every day!!! I fucking hate being an addict and having to deal with these urges for crack, meth, stupid fucking raw sex, etc. So far, in recovery, I have been able to avoid all of this bullshit, but it is so hard. I have wonderful people around me, but yet again, I don't want to share this shit with them. At times, it feels like I shoudnt' share - I don't want to freak them out. I pull this shit with my AA friends as well, when, they of all people understand what I am going through.

I have a feeling I will be fine - the first step is for me to just vomit this shit out online, then call someone. I feel very blessed to have wonderful people in my life that I can actually talk to about this crap.

hmmmm, I feel better now - I guess I should get back to work.

Have a great weekend,
Doug

This old boyfriend

2004-11-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been remiss - yet again - in updating my blog. A lot has gone on in the past few weeks... I started seeing a guy here in town, however, I feel like Bob Villa on 'This Old House' - the bf is a fixer upper. He currently is in the process of a divorcing his wife of 20 years, has no job, and is a tad emotionally needy. I have decided not to follow the route I normally take and instead break up with him.

Why is it only middle aged men with BIG ISSUES are interested in me??? Also, because of the break up, it looks like I will be waking up on Thanksgiving and Christmas alone unless this one or this one want to come over to snuggle. Thinking about this more, it is for the best that I not get involved with anyone at this time; however, I did already purchase tickets to the symphony and need a date.

On to Thanksgiving - I was watching Italian Cooking Porn (when the hostess is introducing the show she is sprawled out on a couch with soft candle light) and found the recipe for the potluck I am attending - Butternut Squash Lasagna. It looks absolutely fabulous and it is vegitarian - Note to Homer: Do not make this if you are attending any potlucks with me MISSY!!!.

Well, I should get back to work...

I will keep this updated from now on.
D

What the fuck

2004-10-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, it has been hard to keep up with this thing everyday and I have been wondering why. I think the primary reason is I am just pretty fucking lazy most of the time and I don't want to make the time. Another reason is friends of mine read this and I have always put up walls so people can't find out who I really am... This weekend in Anaheim has had it's high points and its low...

SURREALITY CHECK - I am writting the stuff below while listening to the 1st Brandenburg concerto - I played it in high school...

I arrived on Friday and within minutes was online lookin to hook up and possibly use...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I hate dealing with addiction -- like I am a total fucking loser because I can't control it. .. AA has taught me it is OK to not be in control, but it doesn't matter... This fucking addiction is driving me crazy, this morning I took a swallow (not of that you sick boys and girls) and it tasted like I had smoked meth. I threw up after the taste entered my mouth. I called my sponsor regarding this and he told me it was a natural reaction to being clean.

On top of the addiction thing, I am just having a hard time feeling good about my looks/who I am. I try to overcompensate and lie about situations/who I am to put myself in a better light--instead of helping I am always looking over my shoulder to see if anyone can figure out what is real and what is not. Coupled with this, I get these feelings of self destruction - I am too much of a pussy to actually off myself, so I think of more creative ways to do it - unsafe sex with strangers. Thankfully, I stopped myself before going that far this weekend but what the fuck is there to stop me in the future. I just want to be happy, and most of the time I don't think this is possible.

It's fucked up, I just don't think I deserve it---that only good people get to be happy. With all the shit I have done, it doesnt' feel like I could rate as a "good" person. These feelings have been with me most of my life - everyone was always better than me, everyone had cooler things and got to do cooler things. I am just never satisfied and it is fucking with my head.

I do not see why I can't be happy - especially in the relationship arena. I honestly have about 5 guys that are just waiting for me to get back into town so we can go on dates. I really don't know if I am ready, but I am just so lonely sometimes... I want to be with someone so bad, yet I am scared to death and don't know how to be be truly honest with people. I know in my heart I do not want to start a relationship built on lies, but I have not become comfortable enough with myself to just let someone be interested without embellishing who I am.

You know who I am -- just a scared shitless guy who wants to do the right thing. Truly cares about his friends and the people around him. Insecure at times, petty at times out of fear -- of rejection/being found out. I cry at movies and those goddamn cotton commercials - I still have a desire to use/drink at times and to be self-destructive. I get angry as a mechanism to combat fear and I am dishonest about my life because I feel everyone else has exciting lives and mine is just dull and boring.

Well kids, that is enough to dump out this evening.

Love you all,
Doug

Back in action

2004-10-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been: Slumber Parties, new boys, car accidents, preparing for my trip and dealing with all the alchoholic shit as well. Let's start with:

Slumber Party -- dear God did I have fun. My friend Matt has an annual slumber party and this year it was at the Coyote Moon Resort. The place isn't quite finished yet, but it is absolutely beautiful. Matt is the ultimate host for parties--he had games and activities lined up for the whole evening.

First up: Grundel Matt, a hybrid of a scavenger hunt and masochistic simon says. The three teams got their first clue and they were off like bats out of hell. One of the things we had to do was bring Matt 2 pairs of underwear from our team. Of course, I was 1 of 2 people on my 7 person team actually wearing underwear so I dropped trow... I think, in the future due to the running and advancing age of all participants nitro tabs should be pre-ordered.

Second: Waterballoon toss - This is NOT easy when there is no sun light!!!! I spent time sizing up each participant looking for who would best lead me to victory. I thought I had found him and we started--that damn Matt had to change things up---he will change your partner and your balloon-totally unfair. Anyway, I let Colleen down and dropped the balloon...

Third: Musical Squares - Some may wonder--what the hell is musical squares. Let me give you some background, the people at these parties are hyper competitive and not necessarily the most graceful lot. Last year Homer and I crashed along with many other people during musical chairs. I will say this, cheap plastic chairs should only be used for little children---not big girls like me!!! Anyway, musical squares are just squares on the ground that you have to try and get to before other people. I didn't win--that damn Rene came close though - It was some newcomer named Doug.

Forth: Monkey Kisses - Does anyone remember Barrel of Monkeys -- Matt does!!! We had 2 teams of 10 -- each team had a keeper whose job it was to have 1 monkey in his mouth, each other team member had to, individually, go to a plate full of monkeys; grab one with their mouth and then hook it on to the keepers. If the monkey chain broke, we had to start all over. It was fun having my face in another boy's crotch!!!

Finally: Running Charades - takes too long to explain here -- I will just say I was the star of the evening!!!!

Well, I think this is enough for now.

Stay tuned,
Doug

The Resentment Prayer

2004-10-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's time to go back in time...I dated this guy Gerry who is a grad student here in Tucson. I thought everything was going great -- went on a few dates then he took me to dinner. Now I am not focussed on monetary things, but here is what happened. He took me to dinner on a gift certificate--this was not too atrocious, but then he asked if I could make up the difference because he did not have enough money!!!! To top it all off, that night at a bar he told me he had to focus on school and could not date me. This is only 1 of 3 mother fuckers that has EVER broken up with me... He did offer to drive me home that night, but I told him I had it covered.

The other day I was at Starbucks and he was there...he had lost about 40-50 pounds and looked great (fucker) Anyway we had our fake pleasantries and then his order was called--Non-fat carmel frappuchino. He had a tizzy fit because there was whipcream on the top, but he took it anyway. I hope that it was full of fat and he gains all the weight back... Well, I know now that I am in AA I should not hold these type of resentments. It has been suggested to pray for something you would want and then ask for the person you had the resentment against to get it. We are supposed to do this for 2 weeks. I was trying to think of what I would want and here goes...

"God, please grant Gerry a quick and painless death, as that is what I would want for myself"

Thankfully, AA is about progress, not perfection.

Ciao,
doug

Selfish Bitch

2004-10-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

Fuck!!! I don’t know if it is all the shit that I am going through with the death of Leonard—but I am fucking on edge. Tonight, a friend of mine had invited me over to dinner with him and Rene. I was really looking forward to hanging out and talking/watching movies. I received a call about ½ an hour after the invitation to say what was going to be for dinner: Steak, mashed potatoes and asparagus. Now, for most people, this would be a perfectly acceptable meal (especially since it is free)—but I am a fickle bitch who doesn’t like steak or asparagus. I felt bad about saying I don’t eat these things, but I did. My friend was hurt, and I apologized stating I am very difficult to cook for.

This would have been fine if it were the only thing he did…There is a person in AA who I will call Peaches. I have had a crush on peaches for years and recently have striked up a friendship. About a month ago, my friend from above met peaches and they hit it off right away. The friend asked me to set them up, which I did---BIG MISTAKE!!! I felt like shit afterwards going through the whole, “Why doesn’t anyone want to be set up with me” (I’m fucking pleasant to be around!!!!). After the set-up I felt like shit and went to the bar for a self-esteem boost (which I received). Moving on, during the conversation with my friend tonight, he let me know he volunteered me to give a ride for peaches to go to my friend’s house with me!!!

My friend knows that I have a problem hanging out with peaches because of the situation stated above and the fact that I just don’t trust him/myself around him. I didn’t want to hang out with them at all tonight. I was concerned, however, that these feelings were based on the death that I had to experience this week and the anger with which it is associated. I decided to speak to the Good Witch of the North for guidance. She suggested something which goes against most of the AA principals, but it made sense—to lie. Say that I had a headache, drive peaches to the house and leave. I did what was suggested and feel good about it

Well, who knows what fabulous drama tomorrow will bring…
Doug

Suicide/Overdose

2004-10-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

Oh what a shitty week this has been-a friend is about to die because of a drug overdose... It is hard to try and sum up what I have been going through---I'll try adn keep with the emotions.

Anger - Why the fuck didn't he call for help?? Why did he put another friend in the position of actually watching him die. He fucking knew what to do to avoid this---why the hell does this disease of alchoholism take us like this?? he robbed me of my innocence in the program having to sit by and watch someone kill themselves. I was speaking to Mark the other day about this and he related my feelings to what we feel when a loved one commits suicide--he was right.

Guilt -- Shouldn't I have picked up on the warning signs?? This past weekend, as I scrolled through my cell phones phone directory I saw his name several time. I thought about calling, but just passed on--If I had called, would it have made a difference. In speaking with people in AA about this, I am reminded that the hand of AA should always be there, but people do need to at least make an effort to reach out.

Sadness -- I will never be able to see my friend again--someone who was vibrant and full of life, really made me feel welcome whenever he was around.

I guess there is something to learn from all of this. If I do not maintain constant vigilence against this fucking disease it could take me. Another thing I learned was I am not lonely. For the past month I have been bitching and moaning about how lonely I am... I do have friends I can talk to when I am feeling really shitty and they will be there for me.

Well, for those that do pray, please pray for his family. I am gonna go...
Doug

Fucking Drugs

2004-10-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

So, it has been a fucking shitty couple of days. I received a message from a good friend of mine yesterday around noon to call him ASAP-which I did. He told me a friend I have known for a couple of years and is in AA OD'd and was in critical care at a hospital here in town. Apparently he went on a 5 day binge starting Thursday and by the time he was brought into the hospital, he had no brain functions and was on life support.

I spent most of the day wondering what the fuck was wrong with him/the world/god/me -- was there anything I could have done??? As I thought more and more, the more pissed I got at him. He knew how to fucking pick up a phone and call someone for help BEFORE he started using. Instead, he waits until the end and calls someone in the program who is brand new and is vulnerable for relapse. To me, I felt he wanted someone to party with not to have him help out.

It frustrates me so much because this friend had so much to offer---bright, funny and charming. I am reminded though this fucking disease can get us at anytime--when we stop doing the things we are supposed to do... Along with all of this, I feel guilt -- could I have done more? Could I have called him?? I know, in my head, that there was nothing I could do, but it still hurts.

Well, I can't talk about this anymore.
Doug

Princess Diaries (Part 1)

2004-10-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Some may wonder, why Part 1 -- I have a feeling that, knowing me, I will have many Princess moments. Today is because of a medical condition... I decided I wanted to try wearing contacts - I get SOOO many compliments (I am humble, really) on my eyes and glasses hide them. I made an appointment with an opthalmologist that works for my company. Bonus question kids---What is the difference between an optometrist and an opthalmologist??

Anyway, I get all of the normal eye exam crap done...1 or 2, 3 or 1, 2 or 3, etc... My doctor (hot as hell) used a new kind of glaucoma test on me--no more puff of air; he used an eyedrop. Continuing, after he explained, in excrutiating detail, my astigmatism he told me I cannot wear regular contacts----no, I have to wear contacts with weights in them. In my mind, I was picturing little dumbells glued to the contacts; however, I was wrong. They are Soft Toric lenses that have more weight built in at the bottom. Well, I have samples coming in at the end of next week--I will see if I can even stick my finger in my eye.

Well, I am gonna head off,
Doug

Password REDUX

2004-10-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

So yes, I have a total infatuation with password -- however this post relates solely to Michael who told me this little gem. He decided to go to Burbank with a friend to tryout for the Password game show. Unbeknownst to him, it had been cancelled. Instead, he decided to tryout for Scrabble (a sub-par game show if you ask me, I was always partial to Press Your Luck -- No Whammy, No Whammy, No Whammy, STOP@!@) Anywho, he was put into this cattle call room with a bunch of other "Contestants"

Well, he took his written test and then waited. The casting director then asked each person to introduce theirselves and where they were from. You know how they were supposed to do it -- like a coke addict saying hello to ya- motor mouth blaring---HI MY NAME IS TIFFYANY I AM FROM ABILENE TEXAS AND I AM JUST SOOOO EXCITED TO BE HERE!!!!!!! Anyway, Michael (who can be a tad shy) did not make the best impression on them and was not invited to move on to the second round. To make matters worse, he was in the elevator with other rejects who were totally creepy.

Michael--I love ya and I would have picked you.
Doug

Self-Loathing

2004-10-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I had plans to write about certain things that went on this weekend, but have decided to talk about something that bothers me. There is someone in my life who I have great respect for and really enjoy being with (let's call her Miss K) Miss K. is going through some difficult times right now and has spiralled into self-loathing. Some of the things she said actually brought tears to my eyes. I hate how we feel about ourselves sometimes--her concern was that she did not have money so...she had nothing to offer in friendship. This is total bullshit, but I can totally relate.

There are times where I am depressed and I start thinking, non-stop, that I am no good and why the fuck would anyone want to be my friend. I feel a story from my past coming up...

I was around 11 years old and had a paper route in Lacey, WA; yet again I changed schools and was the new kid in 6th grade. I thought no one would want to be my friend, so I used my paper route money to buy other kids candy and take them to the arcades. My feeling was, as long as I had money to buy them things they would want to be my friend. The thought never crossed my mind that I may actually have something else to offer them and I did not have to buy them. This behavior has spread into my adult life, luckily, I try to catch myself before I get too far in debt trying to buy friends.

Going back to the depression, I feel like no one would want to be around me; however, I want my friends who are going through depression to talk with me. This is what friends are for, we are there for each other in the good and the bad times--no matter what the situation. I hope, for Miss K's sake, she realizes there are a lot of people around her who love her unconditionally!!!

On a lighter note, I met Looking for Sam the other night at the Venture and had a pleasant time. I have learned, however, going to a bar with my ex-boyfriend is not necessarily a good idea. I get really weirded out and pissed off---but I will go into that another time. Also, Saturday I had coffee with a guy I dated-Michael. He is super sweet and I am glad we are initiating a friendship. My next blog will relate a story he told me.

Well, Miss K. is here and I should go,

Ciao,
Doug

Smoke and Mirrors

2004-10-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well kids--my job has now actually started expecting me to work :-( This past week and a half I have logged about 80 hours and it just keeps going. I guess I shoud be thankful for job security -- but fuck it, I wanna surf the web all day.

I have decided, as well, being single sucks ASS big time. I get into these funks where I think what the hell is wrong with me. I just hate going to bed alone every night and not having someone there to talk to when I get off of work. POOR ME. Logically, I am supposed to be grateful I have friends/health/etc. - those things are great but they do not keep me warm at night. The one guy I am interested in lives in Utah and it doesn't look like we will be able to see each other for awhile.

Oh well, enough bitching I am going home.

Will try to keep updated,
Doug

I have a dream...

2004-09-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

I will so ashamed I have been remiss in my blogging activities. For the first time in a long time I have been completely swamped at work. About the only decent thing I have done this week is watch the Amazing Race (Yea!!! Chip and Kim). Everything else has pretty much been work work work.

Last night I had a dream about a friend of mine (I still have a lingering crush on him). Anyway, his bf is in town and last night went to Mimi's for desert with them. I talked to them both and looking back was kind of flirtatious. Well, when I had my dream it was about the two of them...Get your mind out of the gutter boys-not that kind of dream. I dreamt that my friend's bf had "grounded" him and forbade him to see me. YIKES.

I have a feeling this is my subconscious telling me to cool my jets and move on with just the friendship. This is a good thing since I have started to become interested in someone==BK. He lives in Utah and I just cannot stop fantasizing about him (Mormon boy, white shirt, black tie, bicycle helmet with the tie flapping in the breeze as he rides his bike to my house). He is really interesting and I enjoy chatting with him every chance I get. The good thing is he lives out of state--it forces us to really get to know each other and take things slowly.

Well, I should get back to work
Doug

Doing the Wrong Things the Right Way...

2004-09-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

I thought by getting sober all of my descisions and choices would be enlightened and better the world and my life...WRONG!!!! I still make mistakes and have to contend with my obsessive personality, however; at least I recognize these errors before too much damage has been done. Case in point: I am going on a business trip in October and submitted a travel advance request for conference fees, airfare, hotel, and food. Generally, my work advances the airfare and fees as soon as you submit the advance request; hotel and food are advanced a couple of days before your trip. Well, accounts payable fucked up and gave me the whole thing at the end of August.

There was just no way I could leave all of that money in my account, so I spent it. I paid for my conference and airfare but then took a little detour... In my drinking and using days, all of the money would have been spent satisfying that desire...not now though. I still do the wrong things, but I do them the right way. It does sound like I am justifying my mistake----Deal with it!! Instead of satisyfing my really bad addictions I did the following:

Purchased few pairs of slacks, 5 ties and 7 shirts
Fixed a window on my car that had been cracked for 8 months
Got an oil change (had not had one in 10,000 miles)
Transmission Flush
Engine Service
Couple of nice dinners

As you can see, some of it was frivilous but most of it were things that needed to be done. Now I do have to scrimp and save some to pay for my trip, but the amount is managable. I wish I had not spent the money, because if I hadn't I would have been able to go to Utah to visit a new man that has come into my life. He is very handsome and makes me laugh my ass off...

Well, I should get back to work.

Ciao,

Doug

The Silver Bullet

2004-09-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh Story Time (Be warned---GRAPHIC!!!)

Picture It: Seattle 1994-A strapping young lad fresh from Tumwater, WA decides cleanliness is next to godliness!!!

When I was 18 I had an older roommate in Seattle who was quite "experienced" as a bottom and had items to keep himself clean (very important if you are the receiver). Anyway, one night he went out on the town and I decided to experiment.

There is a device called a "Silver Bullet" that facilitates cleaning the poop chute and attaches to one's shower. When my roommate left the house I got ready to use his shower and clean myself. I got in and washed my hair, face, and body.... Reaching up, I switched the water from the shower head to the silver bullet. I decided to turn down the water pressure because its not supposed to be a sand blaster going up there...

Naive as I was, I figured it was like anything else that was going up "there"---it needed lube. There was a blue jar of lube located next to the noxema, so I opened it up and applied liberal amounts to the affected region. Up went the bullet...

About 10 seconds after it went up, I felt a little tingling. After 15 seconds--itching...20 seconds--my ass was on fire.

What could have happened??? Well, it was not lube that I used...it was Vick's Vapor Rub!!!

My god, the more I tried to wash it off, the more it burned....By the time my roommate came home, I was naked ass up in my bed with an icepack on me. He promised not to tell, but the next day I received several compliments on my "Hot Ass" Let this be a lesson to you all---Vick's should not be used for lubrication!!!

Well gotta go,
D

Mercury Retrograde

2004-09-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is going on this week??? I am delaing with personal crap, one friend had his father die and yet another is dealing with boyfriend issues. For me, my crap is at work this week. I am in a difficult situation; having the responsibility and visibility of senior management without the title. Yesterday, I divulged in a meeting that we were cancelling a vendor contract. The problem was the vendor has not been notified and they were in the room. This caused a huge shitstorm here at work...I am also having to fight a rather large political battle with someone who has been here for over 15 years and is a senior manager.

Thank god for AA -- if it were not for the program my ass would be propped on a barstool right now. I have figured I have no control over the 2 problems above and to just move on...

This is all I have today,
Doug

Best laid plans...

2004-09-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

Ya know, the universe likes to keep things in check---my plans for moving to Phoenix fell through due to my own intervention. I have been thinking about this move for awhile and looked at my pros and cons:

Pros:

More money

Cons:

Move away from friends
Working 65+ hours a week
Being the little fish in a big pond
Working for drug addict
Not being able to see Rene whenever I want
Living in that god forsaken hell hole of Phoenix
Reduced access to "The Prophet Snuffles" (you know who you are). He just seems to know exactly what I am going through-can't get any of my Step 4 bullshit by him.

Seems like a no brainer, however I kept thinking about money. Also, working for a drug addict that I allow the capability to manipulate me is not a good idea. At this time, I am incorporating some of my new friends with some old and do not want to stop.

In other news--it's not a good idea to go off your psychotropic medications without your physicians approval. I decided I knew myself better than my Psychiatrist and stopped taking my Lamictal on Thursday -- BAD IDEA. I went nuttso yesterday and could barely put a sentence together. Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of some program people who spoke with me at length--calming me down. I did get a hold of my doctor and restarted the medication this morning!!!

Well, since I am not quitting my current job, I guess I should get back to work.

Ciao,

Doug

If you wanna date skank...

2004-09-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Damn I can still be a bitter queen!!! There was this guy I was interested in-let's call him Art. We got to know each other earlier this year and I fell hard for him--so much so that I ended up writting a symphonic piece of music that expressed my feelings (I know-SCARRY). One night we were both drunk and hooked up---we said we were just friends and all that bullshit, but he put out mixed signals on whether he was interested or not. I have not seen Art in awhile and I have not let him know about the music. Anyway, I went to a bar on Saturday night and saw him out with his new "friend" The bitchy queen in me just kept thinking "He would rather have this white trash uneducated poor hygiene skank than me?????"

This is not an aspect of my personality I want to feed. This guy Art is dating was really sweet to him and to me. There is nothing wrong with him-I just had to get over my own feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and all of those other bullshit self-loathing emotions.

Some of you who have kept up with my blog may wonder what the fuck was I doing at a bar. Basically, Saturday night I was feeling pretty crappy about myself and that nobody loved me. I knew that if I went to my old hangout I would hear: "We've missed you", "You look great", and "You've lost weight". Yeah this would temporarily feed my ego, but I figured Fuck it-I need it... I had no desire to drink when I got there-instead I ordered a bottled water. I was going to order cranberry juice, but I wanted to be prepared for any of my friends that know I am in recovery. It would have been easier to show I was not drinking with a bottle of water versus a class of cranberry juice. Anyway, I did get the responses I was looking for... After about an hour and a half some guys showed up that I use to party with---so I got the hell out of dodge.

Going to the bar was not the right thing for me to do -- it was the same old behavior minus the alchohol. I spoke with a friend who gave good advice about what to do in those situations. I have also figured out something. When I am depressed, it is probably not a good idea to watch a movie like the 'Laramie Project'.

One final note-during the party on Saturday, I posed this question "Who is the hotter homicidal maniac - Jeffrey Dahmer or Scott Peterson" I think it's Scott - He's DREAMY!!!

Ciao,
Doug

Grieving/Death

2004-09-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of intense for me. I went to the movies with Kevin and Miss D. and saw 'Garden State'. The movie dealt with the death of the main characters mother and other psychological issues relating to fucked up families. It made me reflect on my own relationship with my family----why do we have to maintain contact with them. I have chosen my own family here in Arizona; people I love and care about who will hopefully be with me for many years to come. I don't want to maintain contact with people who constantly bring pain and angst into my life.

Almost 10 years ago my father was killed in a motorcyle accident. When I found out about this, I was basically ok. Several years earlier when I was in 8th grade, my father called on my brother's birthday. We spoke for about 10 minutes and he stated, "I guess I better wish your brother a happy birthday." I responded with, "The fuck you will" and hung up on him. How dare he make it sound like it was such a big fucking ordeal for him to call my brother when he had not seen him in months. Years went by and we never heard from our father.

When I moved to Arizona I decided to get in contact with him; I called my grandparents and got his phone number. The purpose of the call was to re-establish a relationship with him. I called and made sure not to bring up any of the shit from the past--I was interested in moving forward and getting to know each other. We spoke for almost a half an hour and ended the call with me giving him my information to contact me. I don't know why he never called back. For many months, I tried to figure it out. Was I not good enough for him? What did I do wrong? I finally came to the conclusion that it was his own bullshit and not mine. I had opened the door and he decided not to take the opportunity to get to know me.

I remember my mom calling me on a Sunday evening in July---she told me to sit down. I did and she proceeded to tell me my dad had been killed. It took me a while to comprehend and process what I had been told. I cried a little and asked about the arrangements.

Going back to Tigard, OR was a huge ordela for me. I had to deal with my step relatives I had not seen in years. Along with this, I was dealing with my grandmother. She has 1 son in jail for the rest of his life and another dead--only my uncle Bob is still around for her. After the funeral I received a portion of his ashes -- what the fuck was I supposed to do with that. This man had not once made an effort to be a part of my life, and when I reached out he did not want to even get to know me a little. FUCK HIM!!!!

I ended up keeping the ashes for awhile once I returned to Arizona. In the end, I made my peace with him and scattered his ashes on Mount Lemmon here in Tucson. I don't know if there is an afterlife but hopefully he is at peace.

Ciao,
Doug

Pay atttention to me!!!

2004-09-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, I want to know why hardly anyone recognizes how stylish I am and the thought that goes into my ensembles... Case in point, I am wearing an absolute fetching outfit today and no one noticed that my tie and shirt have microdot motifes!!! What the fuck is up with that??? Hmmm, maybe this is a character defect of mine... Well, fuck it - I am not on step 4 yet so I can still claim it as my own...

In other news, Colin and Kristi need to DIE!!! I soooo want them to crash or be killed in some horrific moped accident that causes great pain. He is such an ass!!!

Well, my boss is calling,
D

Let's Land the Plane Rose

2004-09-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

Oh sweet Jesus---There are just some people in my life who, once they start talking, never shut the fuck up... Today, I had to deal with "Rose" one of my AA buddies. I love talking to this person outside of the meeting, however, I can't stand to listen to them during the meeting. Rose may stay on topic for about 10 seconds and then sharply veer to the left. Then, when you think she is coming in for a landing, there are cross-winds, and she takes off for another 10 minutes circling the airport. The longest she has talked was 22.5 minutes (I died a little inside). I figure, I can only go to the bathroom for so long while she is talking... Today was just too much, and I jumped out of the plane 10 minutes into the flight...

It has been awhile since I have blogged; I do not have a computer at home so I do this at work. I had a wonderful weekend hanging out with friends. Homer was generous enough to go to Checker Auto with me for a new battery. The boy that helped us was kind of cute and I kept thinking to myself "I'm a stupid girl, can you bend over and pull the battery out for me you big strong man!!!" - Shit, maybe I need to up the Paxil-I am getting too horny again.

In other news, I have recently started talking to a guy up in Phoenix with whom I have a lot in common. We will see where that goes...For me, I have to find out about my job up there!!! Sam informed me I need to read up on Home Healthcare Medicare Billing by tomorrow afternoon... I downloaded about 100 pages of crap to read tonight. Hopefully, I will be done in time to go watch The Amazing Race - I hope Colin gets kicked off...

Well, I should get back to work-
Ciao,
Doug

Doug's Bootie Pack

2004-09-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a couple of days since posting. Last night I discovered a friend of mine was quite ill and needed some supplies for his bootie. I went to Safeway to get the items he needed. I am always concerned about what the clerk will think of the items I am buying-like they give a fuck. Here is the list of things I got:

Generic Vaseline
Preparation H Cooling Medicated Wipes
Tylenol Gelcaps
National Enquirer
Geriatric version of a word search

The last 2 items were for the time spend on the commode...

Yesterday was also a very bad day for me... I went to Egees to have a Turkey Sub and saw a pimp and his whore outside; they were arguing over a crack deal gone bad. I started to get a little queesy and went inside to order my food. I was eating when they came inside for water and continued to argue. The quessiness turned into nausea and I threw up in the bathroom. I had to get the fuck out of there. I started shaking uncontrolably and my muscles all tightened up. I went directly to a meeting but could not stay---I went back to work for a few hours. It got to be too much so I left and called Snuffles. Thankfully, he was able to talk with me and calm me down... I can't remember if it was him or someone else who told me, "It is a natural reaction, but think of this--if you use, it will be 10 times worse!!!" I don't want to EVER feel like that again-it was so fucking intense and scarry.

I went to a meeting last night and stayed through the whole thing. I like going to that meeting because it is very quiet and everything is done by candlelight.

Going back a couple of days, amazing race wasn't as intense at it normally is this week--I still want to see Colin burn and the models be struck by lightning (where is Jesus now???).

Well, I should get to work.

Ciao,

Doug

Soundtrack of my life

2004-08-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anybody else does this, but I always have songs playing in my head based on the situation in which I am currently involved. Today's song is "You can go your own way" by Fleetwood Mac (I don't know if that is the name of the song---shit I was still a toddler when they had their first album). Last night, I was able to bring someone along to a meeting of AA (let's call her Mia). I have known Mia for years and we are good friends. In this program, I have to make sure that I put my sobriety first and I was concerned that if I got involved in her recovery, I wouldn't take time for my own.

I called Snuffles to talk about this; he told me a story that totally made sense.

"You get on an airplane and prepare for the stupid safety demonstration (like the fucking cushion is going to save your ass in a water landing). The steward (hopefully) demonstrates how to put the airmask on in the event of a cabin depressorization. He states that if someone is next to you that is young or unable to put the mask on, put yours on first then help others"

This makes sense to me in regards to recovery, I am of no fucking use to anyone if I am not following my program. The reason the song above resonates with me is this; I will give Mia the information but not get too involved in her recovery. I am more than willing to talk to her, but hopefully she will find her own groove and meetings and not rely on me too much for support. I can't be her sponsor or guide on this journey, but more of a friendly travel companion.

As for me, things are going better; went to Dave and Abe's on Sunday for a BBQ. Cute Homer as there as well. We had a great time watching Strangers with Candy and playing Trivial Pursuit. Some people just have a knack for remembering useless shit (David and Homer) - I guess that is what an education is for...

Well, I should get back to work here.

TTYL,
D

Gay Password

2004-08-31T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have this recurring fantasy of playing gay password with Bette White and crew from the 60's? password show. As the show starts, Bette is my partner and she has no idea we are playing a gay version of password. Here is how I think it would go...

Host: Welcome to password, tonight's celebrity guests are Bette White and Dick van Dyke. Now let's meet our contestents Doug Ranahan:

Doug: Thank you so much, I am thrilled to finally meet Bette White
Bette White: Oh stop you adorable handsome young thing
Host: OK, now lets meet Mildred Stark
Mildred: Howdy y'all I brought some nice fried ocra for you kids
Host: Let's get ready to play PASSWORD
Announcer (in a conspiratorial whisper to the audience): The password is...fisting
Host: Doug, you give the clue
Doug: Criscoooooo
Bette White: Fried Chicken?
Host: No, sorry
Mildred (wondering what the fuck fisting is...): Puuuuuunch
Dick: Boxing
Host: Sorry
Doug: Aaaasssss
Bette White: Fisting?
Host: Yes Bette, you got it
Bette White: Oh my, who knew the game was gonna be like this. I haven't fisted in years

Well, that is my first attempt at fiction writting, hope you enjoyed and if not--fuck it...

Thanks,
Doug

Air of Superiority

2004-08-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

Part of this getting sober process is reconnecting with friends. While most of the time this is a good thing, it can be very difficult. They can say one little inocuous sentence and it can throw you in a downward spiral. Yesterday I went and saw Dodgeball at the wellfare theatre with Dan. We spoke afterwards about different things and he told me "ya, we didn't want to hang out with you because you were an asshole" I thought about this and realized he was right.

One of the things I am finding about recovery, right now, is that people will tell me these things and it is ok. It does, however, remind me of how I was and really makes me think about all of the people I hurt. I hate that I did this, but the great thing about AA is I can make amends to them all. I am concerned that some people will not be able to accept my appologies, and I understand that. I have gotten confirmation, from several people that one of my character defects is the air of superiority I put on---which smells like the air coming out of me after 2 1/2 pound bean burritos from Del Taco. I know that this stems from all of my insecurities and overcompensating by thinking I am better than everyone else. Luckily, I am almost to the step where I start to explore all of this.

Well, I must get back to work.

Have a great weekend y'all
D

Sorority Bitches Must DIE!!!

2004-08-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

Well, school is back in session an the sorority bitches have arrived!!!! Yesterday I went to get coffee at Starbucks and saw THEM. These two girls, probably named Tiffany and Brittney, were ahead of me and trying to figure out how to order a fucking cup of coffee. It took them 4 minutes to figure out what they wanted-how do I know it took 4 minutes??? I was tapping my new pumps at 100 beats per minute and sounding as exasperated as possible behind them.

The poor barista that had to deal with them... They kept saying "Does this have more than 2g of fat, I can't have that", "Oh no, don't get soy-its fatty" JUST FUCKING SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT SWEET CHEEKS. After several minutes of devising ways to kill them with a scalding hot Venti Mocha with Creme de Menthe, they ordered 2 Hazlenut why-bothers ([Insert Size] non-fat decaf latte with sugar free hazlenut flavor).

Where does all this anger come from??? At this point, I don't care!!!

Last night was fun, though, went to Abe and David's for Amazing Race (Homer was there as well and brought desert!!!) I wanted Colin to go to prison, however, they made it--What we could not believe was at the end (after being such an obnoxious ass) his girlfriend was appologizing about how hard she was on him!!!

This has to be the end of my blog today.

Ciao,
Doug

Mommie Dearest

2004-08-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

What a rough week this is going to be... I am writting to my mother after 2 years of not speaking to my family. I did not want to have them involved with me while I was using drugs and getting drunk all the time. I know that my mom must be worried, and it is time for me to come clean with her. I have not decided whether I will mail it or take a quick trip to Tumwater, Washington and talk to her in person. We have an interesting relationship-she always tought me to be independent from and then resented me because I was...

I moved out of my house as soon as I turned 18 (and still in high school-go T-Birds). I had come back from tour and had all these rules to follow. When I was traveling, I was responsible to go to bed at a certain time, to eat, do my own laundry, etc. Upon arriving home, I had a curfew and all sorts of other bullshit. During this period in my life I was extremely angry and hostile towards my parents. Here is my recollection of the argument the night I decided to move:

Dad: As long as you live here - you will do as I fucking say (sound familiar anyone)
Me: Fuck You!!
Dad: Don't you dare talk to me like that
Me: I'll do whatever the Fuck I want - I make more than you and always will asshole. I am out of here!!!

It took about 3 months before I spoke to them. We have resolved all of those issues, but there is still some tension. My mom, during this exchange was totally uninvolved-which was how she was my entire life. One episode sticks out in my mind (I need to let it go!!!). I had won a competition to be a French Horn Soloist with the Seattle Symphony (not the youth symphony) when I was 16. I played the Hindemith Horn Concerto and was extremely excited. I had arranged for one of our German foreign exchange students to read the poem during the 3rd movement of the piece. Friends from all over the country were flying in to see me perform. The night of the concert I found out my parents were not going to be there. Their explanation was they could see me solo in Olympia with my high school. They could not understand this was a tad different than playing a Mozart French Horn Concerto with my high school band!!!

Prior to me going on, another soloist played a different French Horn piece. After her performance, her parents came to the stage and gave her a bunch of flowers. I got ready to go on - I looked great in my Prada Tux and was nervous as hell. I think I played well-I got a standing ovation. At the end of my performance, however, I did not have anyone come to the stage and give me flowers. I know to some, this may sound trivial, but I ended up crying the whole way back to Olympia and did not speak to my parents for a month. When I finally did speak to my parents, they appologized profusely and agreed not to miss any more performances. I did let them off the hook on some of them - the time the Olympia Youth Symphony played 'Appalacian Spring' it was horrific!!!

Well, I think I should work on getting over this and also to get back to work. Much love and kisses to everyone.

Thanks,
Doug

Contemptous Bitch

2004-08-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

I use to be a horribly conteptuous bitch and had tons of self-pity. Thank god I am no longer like that and I can move on with my life. As I posted earlier last week, I had a run in with Snuffles after my AA meeting. This Friday was the first time I saw him since that meeting. He avoided looking at me the whole time. The topic for the meeting was contempt. I thought about this for a long time and decided to share.

In my mind I still had a desire to just let the anger show and to let him know how pissed off I was/am. Thankfully, I paused and thought about what I had written in my journal last week and that I had forgiven him in my mind. When I did share , I spoke only briefly about the anger and focused more on the solution and what I found out about myself. Let me tell you, it is not easy to tell a bunch of gay men what your primary insecurity is -- Feeling left out and not part of a group. Along with this, I made sure that no one could figure out who or what specific situation I was talking about.

I saw that Snuffles was taking this in and listening. He shared a little bit later about how he learned, last week, about humility and that he does not know everything. I figured he was talking to me--Does that sound self-absorbed Rene??? Anyway, after the meeting Snuffles gave me a big hug and appologized for what he had done. It is hard to explain how much that moved me and made me feel. I woke up Saturday morning with some tears--realizing the power of AA and what it can do for me. I, in the span of only 1 week, was able to identify a character defect of mine and move on. Along with this, I was able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who had pissed me off. In my past, none of that would have been possible-I would have held so much contempt for him for a long time.

Anywho, I should get back to work.

Ciao,
Doug

We got to have friends...

2004-08-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

This song popped into my head this morning as I was thinking about the last 40 some odd days. Last night I went to dinner with my friend Darren. Some people can't stand to be around him cuz he is a tad caustic and has a very dry sense of humor. Underneath all of that, though, he is very sweet and caring. At dinner, he wanted to order a cocktail and he asked me if it was O.K., to which I said yes. Well it came and I could smell the liquor from across the table - I briefly wanted some, however, I reminded myself it only takes 1 for me to start a whole evening of drinking. Anyway, he wanted to also order a side of spicy manager - I would have preferred Kung Pao Greg (our waiter). I kind of like my guys with a little meat on their bones.

After dinner, we went shopping at Park Place Mall - I don't know whether or not it is a good thing to shop with Darren. Anytime I picked a shirt or tie I got "Oh Honey, just don't" it did save me money, but caused a great deal of frustration. I will go back today to pick up this pink and burgundy stripped (vertical) shirt and tie combo that I loved. I guess if you are an old hag, those styles just don't work for you - sorry Darren (XOXOXO).

Arriving at home, I realized I forgot to call Rene. I love the boy - he is a sweetheart and is usally there for me. Sometimes, I get a little short with him and I need to figure out why that is... I have known Rene for a few years now and he has had to listen to my blubber on about my ex and a whole myriad of problems. Thanks buddy!!!

As I head off to the weekend, I am reminded that friendships keep us alive and happy. I know for a fact, if it were not for my friends I would still be drinking and using-if I were still alive. The times have been tough, and I have gotten short or irritated with some of them, but we made it through. Along with this, there are people in my life now that I knew but didn't hang out with. I guess that was because in some part of my brain, I realized that the state I was in (drunk and wired all the time) I could not be a true friend to them. I feel very lucky that these people accepted and persued friendships with me after I got sober.

Well, that is enough for today!!!

Ciao,
Doug

I miss Charla and Mirna

2004-08-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out last night that I can still shed a tear or two. I can't believe they got booted off the Amazing Race... They brought such wonderful drama to the show. I actually got choked up when Charla was talking about little people and what they can accomplish.

As for other things, my night got fucked up - 2 cancellations. One was to meet a new friend for coffee and the other was to watch the Amazing Race at a friend's house. Oh well... The upside to everything was that my friends Kevin and David showed up at the coffee shop I was at. We had a chance to catch up and talk. They are great guys and a blast to hang out with.

I have found I am addicted to another thing - shopping. I twirrled through the mall yesterday buying the new fall fashions!! I am beginning to have buyer's remorse now, but maybe if I buy some more today I won't worry about yesterday.

Well, I am babbling and not able to put a complete sentence together anymore.

Ciao,
Doug

fear dot doug

2004-08-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

It is amazing what fear can do to us... I have realized that I have let fear run most of my life - fear of commitment, fear of rejection, fear of success (believe it or not!!!), fear of loneliness. These things have dictated my relationships and interactions with other people. Alot of the time, the fear has been masked as anger, resentment, hate, or a multitude of any other negative emotions. This weekend I had the opportunity to go through my fears because of a situation that arose.

I had gone to dinner with some friends and got shuffled, by accident, into the corner away from the people to which I enjoy talking. This brought up all of my old fears of loneliness and not being part of the group. To top it off, there was a gentleman - I will call him Snuffles, who kept badgering me about my sobriety and giving unwanted advice. To top it off, he told me, "Someone did not appreciate what you spoke about at the meeting on Friday." My instant reaction to this was FUCK YOU you meddling bitch. I let this interaction get me riled up and pissed off. Luckily, there was another person at dinner I was able to call after I got home. He listened graciously and gave some good advice, write down what I was feeling. The result would be to identify what the real, underlying emotion/feeling.

I started writting - mostly mother fucker and what the fuck was wrong with him; then I turned the page (litterally and figuratively). Turning the page allowed me to find I was mainly fearful of not being part of the group. Someone didn't like me or what I had to say -- poor me!!! I let this get me even more upset and decided I needed to just lay in bed and think about it. I came to the realization that I don't like everyone, so why should everyone like me. I have wonderful people in my life who I love and want around me. Everyone doesn't need to like me - the only thing I ask for is respect. I respect the thoughts of other people and I am not mean, so I expect that in return.

Going through the exercise of writting my thoughts down allowed me to move on and to really identify the problem. Even though I realize I had a part in my own anger, Snuffles has his own issues. He is a nice guy, and I am pretty sure he was not trying to upset me; however, I will be limiting my exposure to him. If it continues, I will just have to let him know my boundaries with him and he will need to respect them.

In other news, I saw 'Alien vs. Predator' this weekend with some friends. There was a girl with us who threw a total hissy fit about a delay in the box office opening. She caused this big scene - for absolutely no reason. We were able to get our tickets and have great seats - I think I need to liberate some valium from our hospital pharmacy and keep it on hand for those high-anxiety girls. Also, I watched the Olympics and at this time I would like to thank God for a few things:
Men's Diving

Men's Swimming
Men's Gymnastics
Lycra
Speedos
Ian Thorpe
Ukrainian, Romanian, and Russian Men
and Bob Costas (just kidding)
TiVO/DVRs/VCR Tapes for making sure I can Thank God all year round!

Well, gotta run!

Insane Alchoholic

2004-08-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is up with being an alchoholic. I hate the shit that goes through my mind somtimes. Case in point - Last night I went to a meeting and the guy sitting next to me is HOT HOT HOT (Not as hot as Homer and Rene though). Anyway, the whole time, I was thinking "He is so cool, I would love to get drunk and wired with him..." knowing full well, the reason he is so cool is that he is sober. Well, enough of that.

I am looking forward to this weekend -- crappy Sci-Fi movie AVP!!!! Also, every week I now look forward to my Gay Men's Stag AA meeting. It is a cool group of guys to hang out with and go to dinner after the meeting. This is much better than trying to figure out a budget so I can drink and use all weekend long.

I should get going, I have a huge project for work due on Monday (I'll be working all weekend)

Ciao,
Doug

Damn you Cole Porter

2004-08-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

Think Charlton Heston-'Planet of the Apes' -- DAMN YOU DIRTY APES.... Well, a couple of weeks ago I went and saw 'De-Lovely' which was delightful and delicious. Anyway, 2 days ago I bought the soundtrack and have been listening to it alot and the songs have gotten stuck in my head. Along with this, they have been making me all warm and fuzzy and full of love - YUCK!!! It's too fucking hot here in Tucson to be feeling warm and fuzzy!!!

I don't know what I am writting about today, I guess just babbling along. So bored here at work, I just want to go home and go to bed...

I think I will just go.

Ciao,
D

Community Sorbet

2004-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Ahh, 6 weeks of sobriety today!!! It is interesting to look back at the changes I have made and the ways my friends have adapted to my new (more healthy) lifestyle. I really don't think I could have lived too much longer had I continued to drink and use. It was something I knew had gotten out of hand, but was unable to do anything about it. I know to some people AA may seem like a cult or some weird communal crap. Thankfully, it is not either of those things. I find I don't agree with everything that is presented, but fuck it-I will take away the things I do agree with and leave the rest.

I know that it is recommended not to make any big changes (i.e. relationship) early on in recovery. At this time, I really do believe I do not want a relationship-just companionship. Someone to cuddle with and hang out - sex is not even on my mind (for companionship - I still think about it quite often. Hopefully, I will find that soon - it has been over 2 years since my last relationship - I am not counting Crack-smokin Rob.

On to other things, went to my Saturday night AA meeting and then to dinner afterwards at a Vietnamese restaurant. There is someone who comes to the meeting with this annoying yipping piece of shit dog and he left it in the car. I was tempted to ask the owner what the cost of having the dog as an appetizer would be (Scream animal cruelty all you want-I can't stand this dog and it is at every meeting with its owner; besides I am a cat person MEOW!!!) The food was passable and had wonderful discussion regarding the orientation of our governor here in AZ.

On Sunday, I went to dinner at Feast (Speedway/Alvernon area) with some friends. The food was delicious, however the service was a little slow. For desert, I had berries with creme fraiche and strawberry sorbet. I made the mistake of telling the table, "I don't want this, it can be Community Sorbet." All at once, 5 queens had their eyes light up and tell me that is a fabulous drag name. Who knows, locals may see Community Sorbet at Gender Bender next year. After dinner, went over to Nice Marc's to show "Girls will be Girls" to some friends. If you have not seen this movie, go rent it right now -- it is hilarious. The boys got a kick out of watching 3 drag queens play real women:

The has-been C-list movie actress
The ingenue
The housekeeper drama queen (Excuse me, still raped here) <--- Ya have to see the movie

Well, I am back at work now feeling great.

Ciao,

Doug

Giddy as a school girl

2004-08-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have finally realized, maybe alchohol is a depressant!!! Since I have stopped drinking, I have felt as giddy as a school girl. Yeah, there's been shit that happened, but I get through it. I am sure my friends think I have joined a cult, or something, cuz I am seeing the world through rose colored glasses. I actually know that it is just because I am seeing the world for the first time in a couple of years.

Well, on to other topics -- I had a fabulous time with my friend Rene the other day going over feelings and stuff. What made it even more enjoyable, however, was this hottie that was looking at magazines. Also, I saw that Homer updated his pics (total HOTNESS!!!) maybe someday he will notice me.... (j/k)

In other news, Bush was at it again pledging that "They (terrorists) never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people - and neither do we." It's good to know that he has our best intentions at heart!!!

Well, I should get going, I will be skipping out of work early to take a nap.

Ciao,
Doug

Searching for Joey Fatone

2004-08-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

Oh the humanity!!!! All I wanted was a Joey Fatone spiral notebook and I cannot find one anywhere??? Sure there is plenty of Justin Timberlake and J.C. Chaze(However the fuck you spell his name) but no Joey. Sure, he was 20 years older than the rest of N'sync, but he was HOT HOT HOT!!!

Now that I got that out of me....This week has been interesting so far, I have been in computer training for 8 hours a day and am ready to pull my hair out. Also, I had to go over my step 1 (admit you are powerless over alchohol....) with my sponsor. He had me write down all of the warning signs I had for me being an alchoholic and let me tell ya, there is some nasty shit there. Things I did to myself and my friends over the past couple of years. It did help, telling him these things and getting that crap out of me.

There was another plus to writting down all of that stuff, I met a boy. I was at Epic Cafe having coffee and I met an Iranian boy, Ali who is totally into Sci-Fi (I can forgive him). He is pretty cute and interesting so we have a date for this weekend.

Also, there has been a request from someone to mention him on my blog. I thought long and hard about what I would say about Rene.

Well, gotta go

Hugs and Kisses,
Doug

The Village was Craptacular

2004-08-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

My this weekend was exciting:

Friday: Saw Manchurian Candidate today which surprised me by being very good. After that went to meeting for gay alchoholic men in which I did not have to introduce myself as a newcomer!!! After the meeting, went out to dinner with a few of the guys -- went to Maya Quetzel a Guatamalan restaurant. We had a great time, I am starting to get a crush on N. who just moved here from out-of-town. He is extremely hilarious (maybe even funnier than Homer) and hot to boot. After dinner we all went to Rainbow Planet for dinner and found out 3 of us play the bassoon. N. left before the rest of the boys, so I decided to leave as well.

Saturday: Didn't do too much during the day, went to my night AA meeting where the topic was change. Change, to me, can be very scarry and lead me to drink. I just have to remember to stay calm. Anyway, went to dinner with about 10 guys from the group and had the opportunity to speak with one of the members that I have wanted to talk to for a while. We discussed my usage and what my bottom was (which I won't put on here). Started to get a crush on D. as well (this damn Paxil must not be working as well). I finally got home around 11pm and went straight to bed.

Sunday: Saw the crap fest 'The Village'. Boy, Shaymalan has really lost his touch. I didn't give a shit about the characters or the story and had figured out the "Surprise" about 1/2 hour into the movie. SPOILLER ALERT - DON'T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE MOVIE. I was so dissapointed - I waited the whole movie to see the monsters and it was her goddamn father!!!!!

Anywho, I should get to work,

TTYL,
D

Turning 30 and not scared

2004-07-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well, today I turn 30 - 30 days sober. What a ride it has been so far. Thank god for all of my friends and cohorts who have been so understanding and patient with me. Getting sober during the summer in Tucson is not an easy thing. I have been quite on edge and several people have worked my last gay nerve, but you just get through it.

With all of this, there is an aspect of my life that I have stopped -- sex. This, I think, is harder to deal with sometimes. I tell ya though, god help the boy who is next - I have not been this pent up in years. I am careful to stay away from pigeon fuckers though (term from AA - Guys who prey on people new to the program). It's like I found my cherry again!!!

Anywho, I am off to work and looking forward to seeing Cyndi Lauper tonight!!!!

Ciao,
D

Chuck George is a Moron

2004-07-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

What the hell is up with interrupting the Amazing Race last night!!! I don't want much in this life - uninterrupted reality TV is one of the things I do require. I scared the poor kitty in the house when I started screaming at the TV.

Other than the fiasco above, things are going fine for me. I have had to deal with some crap this week that normally would have driven me straight to a bar, but I stayed at home and did some work. I am getting the hang of this sober thing, although, I still miss some people. Fuck it though, they have my number if they want to call.

Well, gotta go and prepare for a meeting with my boss -- I have to remain calm otherwise I'll rip his face off...

Ciao,
D

PISSED OFF

2004-07-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Gonna be short and sweet today -- pissed off at work, life, etc. Getting through it though... God I hate this fucking heat.

D

Balancing Act

2004-07-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend has brought up some issues with which I need to deal. Since starting recovery, I have become aware that I have shared so very little of myself with my friends. It really sucks that they do not know who I really am and what I like. Along with this, I am just trying to deal with the 15 years of backlogged bullshit I haven't dealth with. I know that it is hard for some people to understand that I just cannot deal with any drama/issues/crap from anyone right now. It doesn't mean I don't still love them, it just means I need time.

I have been told that recovery should be about balancing my life. It is hard to do that when so much of my life has been unbalanced and unresponsive to my friends. I let them dump all of their stuff on me and kept my own shit to myself (for the most part). Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my friends feel comfortable in sharing with me; however, now its my turn.

Some may think that I don't care about them or that I am becoming self-absorbed, but fuck it - I need to take care of myself right now. I love everyone still, but I have so little room to deal with other people's crap at this time.

On that note, Ciao
D

It's a Dry Heat my ass

2004-07-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

Prior to moving to this inferno called Tucson, everyone said the heat was OK because it was a dry heat. They lied -- its fucking humid and sticky here right now. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and have a pounding headache. Hopefully my lesbian astrologer assistant will not piss me off today cuz I could rip someone's head off!!!!!

Last night, though, was not all bad. I got a call from an old friend in Washington. He had found out about my recovery and wanted to talk. So we talked a little bit and I think he might take the first step to get help. I know I can't force or coerce him, but if I just open the door, hopefully he will go through... He is one hot Mo-Fo and has a lot to offer....

Well, I should get to work -- I think I will leave early because of a "headache"

Ciao,
Doug

Girls just wanna have fun!!!

2004-07-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

I am going to see Cyndi Lauper!!!! YEAH!!! My Bestest friend in the whole wide world Marc B. called me last night to invite me to see her at the casino in Tucson. I haven't been to a concert in ages and am looking so forward to this!!!

As for other things, I was informed that my proposal for a conference was accepted. I will be giving a lecture entitled "Dr. Seuss and Organizational Project Management" -- Don't get too excited. It has been a while since I have lectured and I am looking forward to it.

As for my personal life, I am pretty fucking tired of being lonely, but hell, things do change. I also learned that watching even a little bit of FOXNews (the enemy) will piss me off so much I break things (remote control for the TV). I know this will get me in trouble, but John Wilkes Booth had the right idea. Luckily, I am not sociopathic (just bi-polar) and won't follow through...

Ciao,
Doug

I bet you think this blog is about you...

2004-07-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well kids, its been a while since I have blogged. Not too much has happened over the last week or so. I celebrate 3 weeks of not being drunk today. Good Times!!! I am finding that people I hung out with all the time are not as fun any more. Maybe its just because I have such a short fuse right now (and am quite bitchy) or maybe its because I cannot deal with such self-absorbed 0bnoxious asses anymore.

Well, I know I will get through this phase.... I am debating whether or not to add stories from my past to this blog... Some are quite entertaining, but graphic -- hell here goes:

Obviously, I am gay as the day is long - but I wanted to see what all the fuss was about in regards to women. All the boys were screwing chicks, and I wanted to see what I was missing. At the time I decided this, I was in Madison, WI touring with a drum and bugle corps. I went to the color guard slut (everyone knew she was easy) and asked her to have sex with me. I did tell her I was queer, but wanted to see what all of the stories were about -- she said yes after grabbing my crotch (not to brag, but have never had any complaints).

We were staying at some high school and decided to sneak out after lights out. We took a sleeping bag and headed to the discus mound. I did not have any experience with girls, so she helped me along. I don't know about other gay guys, but girls were totally foreign to me. I am not use to having "options" in that area so I told her, "You put it in the right hole and I know what to do from there." So we started going at it... She had taken her top off and her ample chest kept flopping in my face -- this was making me very ill. Right before I finished, I started getting sick and ended up puking (off to the side and not that much). I finished and said thanks; went inside and showered for about an hour. I decided I wasn't missing a damn thing.

I thought the experience would end at this, however I received a phone call a month and a half later from this girl. She told me she had missed her period -- I thought I was going to die!!! There was no way I could deal with having a little Dougie running around. Thank god she called me the next day to say it was late....

Well, that was just one of many stories I have stuck in my head.

Auf Wiedersehen,
Doug

Chicken or Chickenhawk!!!

2004-07-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

Oh my, what a night. Went to dinner and desert with my friend Nice Mark. The service sucked at dinner, but the desert restaurant was a whole different story. In Tucson, we have a desert lounge, Something Sweet, that is just fabulous. I had apple pie, mmmmm... Anyway, there was this innocent waiter boy that could not have been more than 21-22 years old. Ahhh, the sweet innocence of youth!!! He just got my fire goin!!! It is odd, for me, to have that kind of reaction to younger guys. For all my adult life, I have been interested in older guys, but this had been changing. Maybe its changing because I am approaching 30 this year.

Oh well,
D

Revelations 1:1

2004-07-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place... Not that kind of revelation!!!

Have you ever been minding your own business, and then wham! out of the blue comes a revelation as to why you do the things you do??? I had that this morning as I was ironing (cutting my drycleaning expenses) my shirt for work. It was one of those, "Hold on to your hats girls, its gonna be a bumpy ride" revelation -- I actually had to sit down.

As anyone who has read my extensive weblog (2 entries and counting!) knows, I am dealing with addictions right now. Part of dealing with those is asking for help from friends and other people in AA. In the past, I have not been successful at quiting and I was trying to determine why. I have never been able to ask for help and always that it was being a "pussy" or being "weak" to ask... When I looked at why this was, I come to my parents. (SIDEBAR-The rest of this story is not a "poor me" my parents didn't love me story) Growing up, they never offered to help with anything and I was basically on my own for school, music, college, money, etc... This upbringing taught me to not expect any help from anyone -- This is when I had to sit down and think about the implications. AA teaches you that you need to rely on other people/higher power(which I am still kind of iffy on). If you can't admit you need help, then you will not recover!

I believe, now, that the statute of limitations has run-out for blaming my parents for how I am. I feel that after 25, you should just get the fuck over feeling sorry for yourself and move on -- not to forget what happened, but to get help (anyway you can) in overcoming how you were raised. So, I am doing that and humbling myself to my friends and to the group in meetings. Let me tell ya, that is one of the hardest things to do... Now, I feel that I can say, "Hey, I need some help here" or "Hilfe, Ich habe gefält and kann aufstehen nicht!!"

Well, I am off to work...

I am working on having entries everyday during the week...

Doug

This weekend

2004-07-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend marked the first time in over 3 years that I have not gone out to the bars...What a relief! It was encouraging to see how supportive my friends are and that I can count on them. Saturday was a party at Nice Mark's place. The party was a lot of fun and I got to see some nakedness!!! (I won't say who though...) Played Celebrity and Running Charades - I always forget that I need to carbo-load before going over to Mark's. Anyway, spent the night there cuz I was just too tired to drive home.

Sunday was pretty uneventfull, went to go see Mean Girls again at the welfare theatre with my roommate Joe. We were the only ones there, so could laugh and talk all we wanted. On Monday went to another AA meeting. I am feeling more comfortable talking, although it is hard to say "Hi, my name is Doug and I am an addict alchoholic." I was able to tell a story, that I can share here.

During a really bad time for me, I sold my X-box and several DVD's to bookman's. The purpose of this, in my mind, was so that I could buy food for the week. The reason I had no money was cuz I had spent it on other things. I rationalized this saying to myself, "I am not selling things to buy drugs, I am selling it to buy food!!" I figured selling things for drugs was so GHETTO!! Well, the group got a kick out of it and encouraged me to come back. Thank God there is a gay AA group in town, I don't think I could share some of my other stories in a mixed crowd.

Well, I should get going - I am at work after all...

D

Introduction

2004-07-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin??? My friend Homer has his space here as a blogger and I thought it would be good for me to have one as well. As the name suggests, there are a lot of changes going on for me... It seems that getting ready to turn 30 has made me a tad more introspective. Suddenly, going out almost every night until 3-4am and having to work the next day is not a good thing.

I have decided to quit medicating myself and leave it solely to my psychiatrist (Lithium and Clozaril are so YUMMY!!!!). It has only been a couple of days and I have already had my first dilema. Wanna hear??

I told my friend Sam that I was stopping everything and trying to make some positive changes beginning last Wednesday. He called me up yesterday and invited me to go out and do other things (I will leave this to the reader's imagination). Anyway, after 5 minutes of him harping on me I finally said yes, I would pick him up after a few hours. Luckily, I was able to get a hold of a good friend (Chris) and chatted with him. The more I spoke, the more pissed-off I got!!! What kind of a friend was Sam being? (a self-centered bitch of one) Well, Chris helped out and gave Sam the ride he needed and I mainted my new found chastity!

I wonder if I am trying to take on too much at once: therapy, drug addiction, alchohol addiction, weight loss. I mean hell, I could just take on the weight loss first with some nice health doses of SlimFast (Orange Dream YUMMY!) and Crack and watch the pounds just melt away...

Well, this is my first post and will have more to come. Until then, I have my hand out to Sam saying "Back off Mother-fucker" (from Showgirls-best movie of all time)

Ciao,
Doug